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Monday, October 17, 2011

3 weeks since you had left and to be exact, 21 days without you being in the family.
Still hard to accept the excruciating fact that you have actually left us. Sometimes i just wish that everything is just a dream.

My days were definitely not any better without u being around.
If i am given a choice, what i would say to my father ? "Dad, I really miss you. I love you. I know that you knew how I loved you. I just wish that I told you more often."

Talking about his death isn't as hard as remembering him: his antics, laugh, joys, pleasures. Whenever i think of any of these, i am overcome with emotions and become stuck in a state of bitter anguish. Sometimes i will become secluded or hide every feeling and emotion for days on end. I am not sure when i will be able to get over this nor am i sure i ever will.

13 days later will be er jie wedding, how i wish u will be there. I know you had been waiting for this day but .... .... .... Its all fated ! life is so unpredictable. Felt rather sad and have no one i can turn too. People around me kept telling me time will heal the pain. But how long? What am i suppose to do when i really miss you ?

All i hope is you coming to my dream to tell me how is your new life? All you leading a better life?

~5:50 AM

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Sunday, October 9, 2011

13 days after my dad had left us. No words can describe my agony. Ever since he left. other than going to work i will cope myself at home as i really dont wish to talk to anyone including my family members. i cant let them know how sad am i as i know this will make them even more sad.

Why Why Why ? Why does god take my love one away. I really wish he is here right now. To listen to how had i been coping in my new company. I still remembered he will tell me not to work too hard and have enough sleep when he see me waking up at 3 am to work. But now i cant hear his voice or feel his existence anymore. He love coffee. He love meat and hate vegetables. He is noisy. He is stubborn. He may look huge but he is sympathetic.

I miss him terribly. Why does human only start to regret when they lost their love ones?

I am not a filial daughter. I did not take any leave to accompany him for any medical appointment, i spent most of my time working, going out with friends and boyfriend , i had yet to bring him oversea to enjoy, i did not buy things he like. By giving him monthly allowance i thought is more than enough. But now i realised i am WRONG. I am such a bitch.

Whenever i lied on your bed, all memories seems to come into my mind. Tears start rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. The only thing which i can do now when i missed you is to look at you photo. DAD DAD DAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY MISS YOU SO MUCH SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~2:31 AM

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Friday, October 7, 2011

I did not know where to start. Many of us experienced the loss of loved one, the loss of relationship, home , money etc... Most of us will at one time or another go through the grief of loss.

I faced loss the hardest at 25 when my dad died of vascular disease. It happened fast from the time the doctor told us they have to either amputate his right leg or a loss of his life. It took him 1 day before he left us.

I still remember the day we found out. He was suddenly transferred to ICU after a bypass operation. He was recovering speedily. But god was not on his side. He got this sudden vascular disease within a split second and was sent to ICU immediately. We waited outside the ICU. The doctor came to us and invited to a conference room and told us he was in a critical stage and has to have his right leg amputated as his leg was "dead" Soon i realise why he had been complaining pain for past few days. Was due to this disease which the doctor couldnt even detect it at an early stage.

I still remembered when he told us he would want a full body if one day he has to make a choice to choose to survive or lose any part of his body.
We called his siblings to rush to the hospital immediately. I messaged my sister who was in Bangkok and decided to book a ticket for her return.

Finally, all of us decided to let him go. I couldnt accept the fact. Everything is so sudden. I have yet to say what i had been feeling towards him. He was uncouscious at that point of time. But i could see his eyes were wet. He cried..................... I decided to ask the doctor to make him conscious so that we could say our last words to him. My eldest sis broke the news to him and told him we have decided to let him go and he nodded his head. Even if he were to go for the amputation, he only had a 50% survival rate which he did not even have the determination to live on if he were to discovered that one of his leg were amputated.

My family and I stayed that night with him in the ICU. It was very hard to let go of him. It was the first major loss i had experienced. My heart ached. I missed him terribly. I have trouble understanding he is gone. Till now i couldn't accept the fact.

~10:24 PM

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About me:

Hey this is my homepage, so I have to say something about myself. Sometimes it is hard to introduce yourself because you know yourself so well that you do not know where to start with. Let me give a try to see what kind of image you have about me through my self-description. I hope that my impression about myself and your impression about me are not so different. Here it goes. There are many things I like to do, to see, and to experience. I like to read, I like to write; I like to think, I like to dream; I like to talk, I like to listen. I like to feel the music flowing on my face, I like to look at the clouds in the sky with a blank mind, I like to do thought experiment when I cannot sleep in the middle of the night. I like to sleep early, I like to get up late; I like to be alone, I like to be surrounded by people. I like delicious food and comfortable shoes; I like good books and romantic movies,I like people. And, I like to laugh. I always wanted to be a great investors like Warrent Buffet, Benjamin Graham who are one of the most successful investor in the world and have influence millions of people in the world. But my dreams is still alive. This is a brief introduction of myself.